STAYING TOGETHER FOR THE LONG RUN




WHEN YOU COME HOME AT THE END OF THE DAY – YOUR HEAD SPINNING IN A CLOUD OF FEATHERS AND DUST – I WILL BE HERE FOR YOU – WE WILL HUG – WE WILL HAVE DINNER THE WAY WE USE TO HAVE DINNER – TAKING OUR TIME – NATURALLY MELTING INTO ONE ANOTHER – EATING AND TALKING ABOUT EVERYTHING WITH EXCITEMENT – THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO – A GLASS OF WINE THAT WARMS THE MIND AND TINGLES THE SOUL –


WE’LL KISS THE WAY WE USE TO KISS OUR TONGUES DANCING WE WILL EXPLORE ONE ANOTHER SO WE CAN GET BACK TO WHERE WE WERE OUR HANDS TRAVELING THE LINES THAT TRACE THE MAP OF OUR AROUSAL ZONES WE’LL JUMP INTO BED UNDRESS ONE ANOTHER MY SOCKS ON YOUR SOCKS OFF JUST A THING WE’LL HOLD EACH OTHER SKIN TO SKIN WARM AND SAFE THE WORRIES OF OUR EVERYDAY LIVES SILENCED WHILE WE THRIVE TOGETHER IN THE DARKNESS THAT IS OUR LIGHT  WE’LL GO TO SLEEP CONNECTED TOUCHING EVER SO SLIGHTLY

WE CAN FIND OUR WAY BACK TO ALL OF THIS – TO ALL OF US – I KNOW WE LOVE EACH OTHER – I KNOW SOMETIMES WE CAN’T STAND EACH OTHER – I KNOW THAT’S OKAY AS LONG THE “LOVING EACH OTHER” OUTWEIGHS THE REST 




NOW COME HERE MY LOVE – HOLD ME – KISS ME – SLIP BENEATH THE SHEETS WITH ME - FEEL ME - TASTE ME TASTING YOU 

I WILL BE THERE AT THE BEGINNING OF EVERY END
  
YOU’LL BE CARRYING A COAT FOR ME IN CASE I GET COLD

FOR BETTER  FOR WORSE

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH

OUR LOVE WILL SAIL LIKE A SNOWFLAKE IN THE WIND










WHEN A LOVED ONE SUFFERS FROM MENTAL ILLNESS



There are far too many people suffering in silence from the beast that is mental illness. They remain behind closed doors that should be open. They are imprisoned in their own minds.  Their loved ones worry about them and often feel helpless because there is so much they are trying to understand that can't be understood; unless experiencing it oneself. 





We all experience crisis in our lifetimes. Some of us fall and get back up while those with mental illness often struggle and are unable to find their grounding. 

This post is a shout out for love, understanding and support.

This is about erasing the stigma that brings shame and secrecy to an illness that is misunderstood and under funded. 

Those suffering can only rise to their feet if those surrounding them are willing to join them hand in hand and take a step forward - far too many steps have been taken backward.


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What happens when the ground you stand upon falls out from underneath you? Is an ambulance sent to the scene? Is there a trauma team on call waiting for you in an operating room? Are your loved ones contacted and gathered together? Are you able to express what is happening and why? Is there news coverage of your story at 6pm? Does the whole world stop and pray for you? 

NO

What does happen in no particular order is you slowly but surely lose your mind, your perspective, your understanding of the world around you. You are not able to express or communicate to anyone exactly what has taken place. You want to find a dark corner in a deep cave to crawl into and wrap your arms around yourself while you shiver and shake. 

The side effects from the meds cause you to gain weight, walk around stoned half the day, forget simple things like your phone number, the street you live on, the name of your dog. 

Then there is the anxiety that often displays itself in convulsions that rock your mind; shaking, twisting every muscle in your body. You become afraid of leaving your home, of being in noisy places - you take cover and isolate in order to self-preserve.

There is an aura you feel before a panic attack and those attacks are crippling. The ground shakes and falls apart. It's a feeling that something awful is going to happen and there isn't a thing you can do about it. No one - not your friends, family can prevent this from happening or catch you as you fall through the deep crevice.

Once you fall - there is nowhere to go. You are stuck; the teeth are clenching your soul, your being. There is no going up, no going down, no going anywhere. There are no search and rescue teams shouting at you from the top, there are no heroes rappelling their way down. There is no light only dark and it's uncomfortably cold.

You know you cannot survive this predicament for long. You try to think of ways to save yourself but your mind is in fragments of colours like a Picasso painting and you can't make sense of what is left of you on the canvass.

You're sweating and turning in every direction but there is no way out of the maze. Your loved ones search for you frantically and as a last ditch effort they scrape a message across the sky:

"We love you - we will never give up on you so please don't give up on yourself."

You sway back and forth in the stillness, in the fog; in a place you've returned to with each haunting episode.

Somehow you find the strength to take one great leap forward and you exit the maze.

There just past the finish line, your loved ones wait for you - their hearts splashing in puddles of love, support and compassion.

You fall into their open arms and they close around you. 

They hope that one day you will be able to stop running from the illness that continues to chase you.

Mental illness is a mighty storm, it blows your life apart along with all of those around you.

It strikes like lightning and is always followed by thunder. 

Share this post - for awareness - for support - for change. Thanks.

www.lifeisyourstory.com


I MET AND MARRIED A MAN IN A BEER FRIDGE - JUST DON'T TELL MY MOTHER



This is a true story and it is fascinating. 

I went to the grocery store. I was in the mood for some Beck's non alcoholic beer (is there any other kind?). I am always hesitant to walk into that "walk- in" (I just said “walk” twice) beer fridge. I wonder “Who else is going to be in there and if a tree falls in the woods – does anybody hear? That tree being me – if someone decides to grab me in that fridge because I am taking the last case of Beck's non alcoholic beer?

 So I go in and it’s cold because it’s a fridge. I make my way around the maze of crates and boxes and then I smell cologne and I don’t wear cologne (although I do smell like Moroccan oil and it smells really good) so I know its not me. 

Then this large man (anyone is large compared to me) comes around the bend and smiles and says in a language I clearly do not understand or speak (but this whole thing is made up so it doesn't matter it's like when you have a dream you are back with your X and you hear yourself screaming "no not that - anything but that" and then you wake up and it did not really happen).

So here is what he says - the guy in the beer fridge - are you still with me?

“What are you looking for little lady?”

and I say...

“It’s a beer fridge – I’m looking for beer.”

He smiles, pats me on the back – which is strange because we are face to face.

I find my Beck’s beer, smile on the inside and then I turn around and the cologne guy is right up in my face. I am suddenly afraid and then to make things worse (worse than being alone in a giant cold fridge with a stranger who is close talking me)...



     

He puts his arm around me and walks me out of the fridge sort of like we are going down the aisle except my family is not in the front row and there is no little kid throwing flowers at people with flower allergies and there is no song playing “our song” that we would be dancing to while all of our friends and family watch on and wonder “When are they going to stop dancing to this stupid song and serve us some food?”

His family (whom I have never met because they were not in the beer fridge) speak the same language as he does and I still have no idea what language that may be even though I asked Siri (in case you are wondering she replied "only an idiot would marry someone they met in a beer fridge).

Then my new beer fridge husband and I exit the fridge as he bends downs and kisses my cheek. We go our separate ways.

I am completely confused as I head to the cash to check out – not because of what just happened but because I perpetually confused.

I pay, I leave, I return home, I get cozy on the couch and turn on Netflix. My dog is sniffing me extra intensely and I realize he smells the beer fridge man's cologne on my cheek.

I wonder “Will I ever return to that grocery store beer fridge?” and if so “Will he be there waiting for me?”




And as I reflect on that deep thought, I realize that this whole beer fridge experience has been way too overwhelming.

So I pour myself a Beck's and feel that buzz that I can’t feel (because there is no alcohol) but that I pretend to feel so I can float off into oblivion and decide on a wedding song to dance to with my new fridge husband.

And there sits my mother in the first row (wondering- Where did I go wrong with this one?).

She shakes her head and waves her swollen, arthritic finger and says:

“I’m not paying for this wedding."

Cheers and please don't drink and drive - unless you are drinking Beck's 0%






OUR PARENTS LEAD US WITH LOVE AND WE FOLLOW




Of all the things we experience in our lifetimes - love is undeniably the most significant.

Love gives and receives. It makes us feel alive even when we are near death.

It's the one thing we can take with us because in the end; love departs hand in hand with our souls.

When we are in crisis, the first thing we reach for is love.

It provides an escape from our worries and obsessions as it wraps its arms around us and whispers "You are not alone - I will always walk beside you."

Love knows us better than we know ourselves.

Love leads us to where we are supposed to be on the purest and most intimate level.

There are no rubber bands for love, no walks or bike rides, yet love is the force behind all of the causes that drive us to be there for our families and friends.

So if you are feeling empty, remember that love is waiting around the corner to remind you why you are here.

Go love and then love some more.





For my parents  - For your parents -  the first to give us love and watch over us as we carry its fragile wings and release them to fly.

What the FAUDA? Get me an Ativan!



After hearing so much about the Netflix series - Fauda - from friends and family I finally decided to check it out - give it a go.

I would not have hesitated but I saw there were subtitles and I wasn't sure if I could read, eat chips and watch a show all at the same time. I knew this was going to be a big responsibility and I had to be ready for it.

Once I started watching - I realized that the subtitles may as well read....

OH SHIT - OH SHIT - SOMETHING IS HAPPENING - SOMETHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN - SOMETHING JUST HAPPENED - SOMETHING IS HAPPENING AGAIN - GET ME SOME OXYGEN...

Actually I haven't eaten or slept or talked to myself (probably have but I no longer notice - like when you are in a relationship with someone who is always talking - even during Fauda - and you just learn to tune them out). I'm not sure if it is raining or snowing because the blinds are drawn.

I have a migraine from reading without my glasses and I also have a migraine from reading with my glasses. It's like I have read a novel in a half while on this Fauda binge. I may need a new eye glass prescription before the series is done and that would mean leaving my home and putting Fauda on pause. I don't think you can even pause Fauda - I think it is beyond pausing - it would just keep going.

I haven't even had my Nespresso because I fear that ingesting caffeine while watching Fauda would be the equivalent of doing crack cocaine, speed and heroine all at once (not that I know anything about any of those drugs but I really liked Pulp Fiction).





It's reminiscent of Homeland however I feel the characters in Homeland are more complex or have been explored on a deeper level. Claire Danes is such a great actress and the awareness they bring to Bipolar illness and mental illness in general is significant and commendable.

The women on Fauda are all beautiful and let me tell you fellas -  women can appreciate other women on a whole other level. Women are beautiful - they are awesome and my mother wishes I would dress like one.

There are also some steamy love scenes - somewhat raw and rushed but If I smoked I would have a cigarette after each one (because that is what they do in the movies when two people meet up at a motel for an illicit affair - they share a cigarette after and a shot of whiskey or tequila and the whole ritual is kind of intriguing. I would be more likely to take a shower and eat some cheesecake and go to sleep and i guess that is why no one is having an illicit affair with me - cheesecake anyone?)

Anyway now I have gone completely off topic and I need to get back to eating my chips while both reading and watching my show (and trying to get Dunn's to deliver me strawberry cheesecake by osmosis).

I think I just sat on my glasses or kettle chips - no - wait - it was the kettle chips!!!

Oh FAUDA!

Are you watching Fauda?