Celine Dion, Hell, Grocery Stores and Get That Cart Out of My Way


That's it. I've had it.

I went to pick up a few things at the grocery store today. I was in a rush. I had on a fleece. I was overheated. I have about a million things to accomplish today including writing this post - for you and only you.

So here's what happens. I make my way to the cookie aisle (my priorities are straight) and as I arrive in front of the Peak Frean "Special Edition" I am suddenly run over by one of those huge carts used to re shelve the products. The grocery store boy in the white shirt whose attitude seems to reflect that he just had his birthday party and all the presents sucked...clearly does not see me. Then he notices me hopping up and down on one foot, he realizes something has gone awfully wrong but he doesn't apologize or excuse himself, he does something much worse - he moves in on my Peak Freens - with his cart and his over sized head and starts to stock the adjacent shelves.

Why on earth do grocery stores choose to shelve products during shopping hours? How often have you been blocked by a cart and a 6 ft boy whose pants are falling down and whose idea of customer service is a dirty look and sometimes even the word "Move"?

I wanted to complain. Yes, I barely had time to brush my hair today and I don't even brush my hair but I wanted someone to commiserate with me.

I couldn't find a manager or anyone who looked like a manager. I found the guy who picks up the fruit that falls on the floor but he didn't look like he wanted to talk to me.

I found the boy that gets paged when someone spills something - he didn't want to talk to me.

I looked for a spare phone so I could get on the intercom and yell "Client in cookie aisle seeking justice and a box of Peak Frean Special Edition" but I couldn't find one.

Then I thought I would approach a cashier but she looked like they she just served time in a Woman's Detention Centre for a crime that she did not commit but was thinking of committing. She seemed to hate her job and the people at her cash hated being asked to swipe their card the other way or push it in further and whether they had air miles and the advantage card.

And what about those people who think the line is a library. They just stand there reading one of those magazines with Celine Dion or worse her husband on the cover. What more do you need to know about this woman? She came from a very large family that didn't have much money. She had an affair with her manager when she was five and he taught her how to scream into a microphone and then he marketed her before anyone knew what "branding" meant.

Then she won a bunch of awards - one in English that she refused to accept but then she jumped right in on those Grammy's. She made millions and millions and when I was traveling in Utah (yeah, that's right - Utah) 10 years ago, I turned on the radio in my hotel and she was right there singing to me - Utah - the mormons are still getting over it. Then her father, oops I mean husband cheated on her and denied it although the woman made off with lots of dough - and then they had a kid and then they moved to Vegas where she has been turned into a robot that sings the same songs six out of seven nights a week to people who believe that "You light up my life" by Debbie Boone is still in the Top 10.

These magazine reading people in line are the equivalent to those who do not move forward when the red light turns to green at an intersection. So you honk your horn at them and they give you a dirty look in their rear view like they are going to get out of their car and give you a piece of their tiny minds. The best thing to do at that juncture is point behind you as if the person in that car honked and not you.

I think the contestants of Miss America should be cashiers at grocery stores and when you arrive at their cash they can reenact their "congeniality" speech. It would go something like this ..

The cashier - Miss Texas - smiles at me and says "Hello Mam - I love the children in the world and the air they breath and I am going to start an environmental thing" Then she just smiles and bags my food without asking me if I want or need a bag - she just gives me a pile and doesn't charge me a nickel.

Yeah that would be great - that and clearance to the Peak Freans.

"Clean up on aisle 5"