Richard Branson and I are Never Moving - Are You?
I woke up this morning and took one look outside my window and I knew that I was never going to move again. There on my neighbours (or neighbor's for all my US and of course Romanian readers)front lawn laid all of their former tenants belongings or at least the ones they chose not to take with them. It was a scary sight - not because the items themselves were particularly scary (okay maybe that one worn out brown leather shoe to the side of the pile weeping for its partner - that being the other shoe).
SIDEBAR - sorry - I can't help myself - what is it with the single shoe that is left behind somewhere on the road or on a side walk under a bridge? I can't even tell you how many times I have been out on a walk or a run and have come across someones single shoe. Where is the other one? How did this one get where it is and why give up one shoe instead of two shoes? It's sad for these single shoes. Think about it - you spend your whole life with another shoe that looks exactly like you and suddenly at the very end you are separated and left in the middle of nowhere (and as for that expression - where exactly is "the middle of nowhere?" I mean if you are nowhere - where are you?)
Don't tell me you haven't seen a shoe hanging out on its own on the street because I know you have - we all have and it's time we did something about it.
Here's where Richard Branson comes in (for those of you not in the know - he is a Billionaire who owns Virgin as in records as in airlines as in professional teams, etc). He clearly has no reason to move either and that is about the only thing we have in common. I am highly educated by the many reality shows I watch and enjoy. One of those is "Cribs" and it's on one of my favourite channels - MTV - yeah so I was watching it the other night and oh wait - you may not be as educated and cultured as I am and so you may not be a regular viewer of "Cribs" - it's a show that brings you to visit the homes of celebrities. They open the door and invite you in and show you all of the rooms and what's inside their fridge (suspicious that they all have tons of sport drinks - hmm has something to do with MTV's main sponsors being oh I know - Sport Drinks).
They also show you their car collection and I have to admit it gets decadent but hey sometimes it's fun being a "Yenta" (for my Nigerian readers - a Yenta is someone that likes to get all involved in someone else's private life and then talk about it - kinda like I am doing now - except when you say the word Yenta - someone who looks like me does not come to mind - however someone that looks like my Aunt Henrietta - well actually she was a great aunt - not that she was great nor is she alive anymore)comes to mind.
So they featured Richard Branson's home in the British Isles - the island he owns that he bought when he was 24 (I couldn't buy dinner for two at Schwartz's Delicatessen when I was 24 - for my Romanian friends Schwartz's Deli is a famous restaurant on St. Laurent Blvd in Montreal where people line up on the street to eat smoked meat on rye bread even though they make the sandwich so big you can't fit it in your mouth so it just falls all over and you end up with mustard stains on your pants and your chin which is really bad if you are on a first date because your breath will be awful from the smoked meat and who wants to kiss someone with dried mustard on their chin?)
The house is incredible. Instead of putting in a pool, he had his people cut rocks right down by the ocean so that the ocean became his private pool. His bathrooms including the toilets, bathtubs/showers (wait that is what all bathrooms include), are all outside and you can see everything while you do whatever you are doing but no one can see you (sort of like in your bathroom when you close the door and yell at your kids and husband to leave you the F alone so you can take a damn bath after a hard day and have at least 15 minutes to yourself without anyone coming in to ask you something or to use the toilet - for God's sake... ).
The house is open concept, the floor is made of rocks (shiny, flat, colourful ones not asphalt) and the roof is a lounge that includes a golf range. So Richard Branson is never moving and either am I. Oh - why am I never moving you ask?
I have already done so 8 times - let's review:
Move #1: The Boyfriend
Let's see, I was 21 and I moved in with my boyfriend who was about 12 years older than me. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I was in love. I moved back home 3 weeks later (as fore casted by my mother) because he cheated on me with a woman who had not foot. How do I know this? Because when I returned to his apartment to pack my things, as I raced to the elevator with him chasing me the last 4 words that escaped from his mouth and gave tribute to our loving relationship were
"She has no foot"
Move#2: My first apartment
Loud music, eat this - sure - eat that - yeah why not - male visitors - uh huh - and a whole lot more
Move#3: My second apartment
Same comments as above apply
Move#4: My boyfriend's apartment
This time my man was for keeps and he had never dated a woman without a foot (not that there is anything wrong with that).
Move#5: Our first duplex together
Two instant children - stepsons - 7 and 9 - thank God - boys - cause I wouldn't have any idea what to do with girls - football, basketball, baseball, hockey = successful step mom
Move#6: Our first condo
Average age of tenants - 80 - we left after my dog Buddy (beloved late)broke loose from our "unit" and chased two women decked out in bathrobes and hair curlers into the sauna. He would have gone for the pool but there was a aqua aerobic class going on and they were dancing to Copa Cabanna by Barry Manilow and Buddy hated Barry Manilow (so do those heroine addicts in that park in Amsterdam who stopped shooting up there when the authorities had the brilliant idea to play Barry Manilow really loud in the same park - that is a true story and of course so are all of mine?).
Move#7: Let's buy a house in the country and we'll figure out the rest.
Move#8: Where are we going to sleep when we are in the city? Hmmm...
So I am done. I am finished with those moving trucks you rent for $49.99 per day and $200 per day insurance.
I am not interested in finding all of the things my husband and I have bought over the years that we never use and we don't even know that we have.
Of course my biggest fear is that I will pack up everything and just as my foot ( thank God I have one - I mean two)hits the gas I'll see something out of my left rearview mirror...
A single brown leather shoe on the side of the road.
Richard Branson and I are never moving.