Change of Seasons - Give me a break will ya - that and a palm tree


This change of Seasons is killing me. I mean really, give me a break! I can't get out of bed in the morning. I want to eat everything in the kitchen including the fridge and stove. I am homesick. I want to move back in with my parents and play in the park with my friends and come in for a nice, warm dinner that I didn't have to prepare.

I want recess. I demand milk, cookies and my flannel blanket for 30 minutes per day as a break from my work (which often involves a blanket, cookies and me sleeping on the floor). I want to be 15 and have a boyfriend who is 17. I want him to "neck" with me and let me wear his jacket.

I want to skip class and have a crush on one of my teachers. I want to see that teacher in the grocery store and be amazed that he goes to a grocery store and he is human and he exists outside of school and he is completely ignorning me and walking at a brisk pace. I want to call my friends and talk on the phone for hours because the phone is all we have. I want to see my friends instead of texting them. I want a slumber party where everyone sleeps at a house other than mine. I want us to make popcorn and smoke my grandfather's pipe and call our favourite boys and hang up because their is no caller ID.

I want to know why it's so dark out so much earlier and why we change the time - I mean really, isn't life difficult enough?

I want to understand why on earth I live in Montreal. I know I will be asking myself this during the first snowstorm when I am wet and freezing and tired of snow banks and ice and looking like I have turned a new shade of green.

I want spring and summer to bully winter in the schoolyard and convince him (it's got to be a him) to get the hell out of my town. I want them to take over and create an under ground operation ready and waiting should winter return. I want them to put a "hit" on winter if he even thinks about it.

I want soup. I mean real homemade soup. I want a heated water bed. No I don't.

I feel like I need a change in my morning coffee routine. I am so exhausted that I am considering showing up at my local cafe with a syringe, elastic band and asking them for the "dark" and forget the cup, just shoot me up.

My dogs are shedding. I sweep every day and I believe that by early next week I should have two more large breeds.

Soon I will have to put on layers of clothing and cover my head with a hat and my face with a scarf so that I can navigate my way through the piles of snow and over the icy streets in an attempt to walk them. Bam Bam is 1 yrs old. He weighs 130lbs and he will continue to grow for at least another 6 months. Gainey is a fit 90lbs - all muscle. I leave the rest to your imagination. No I won't. I am 5'1, low 100 lbs soaking wet (I weigh myself in the shower constantly) and I may as well buy a saddle. God help me if there are any cats out and about on an icy day. Fear not cats, I will save you, I will sacrifice myself for you as I have so many times before because I am an animal lover through and through.

I want my allowance. Mine ended in Grade 6. My parents sat me down (as they did with my older brothers at the respective time) and told me I was old enough to work and earn my own money. They would put me in touch with a relative who owned an art gallery and I would be stuffing her invitations. I was getting $7 a week up until then and all I was thinking in my head was "Is this relative going to pay me more than I am already making? Why is she inviting people to her gallery? Why don't they just come? It can't be a very good store if you have to invite people?"

My thought process was brought to a halt when my father made a very important announcement. Let me preface this by saying that he strongly believes there are no calories in Cheesecake and that the fruit (cherry, strawberry)is his daily serving as per the Canada Food Guide.

"And Leeza (he still can't say Lisa so just go with it)there's a place right near the gallery that serves excellent Cheesecake so I will be picking you up."

That meant two things - 1 - I was taking the bus there - 2 - My father would be late and his daily serving of fruit would be on his shirt.

I want to drink wine on an empty stomach and experience that warm thrush running down my chest through my body. However I do not drink however there is another way of having a similar perhaps greater sensation and that is also something I want.

Do you remember walking home after playing at a friends house and it was late winter and the sky was a solid, slick blue? As you made your way past the many doors to yours, you could smell in the thick air every ones dinner commingling? I could smell my Portuguese neighbours fish being grilled (they also grew their own grapes and made their own wine and I also sucked on my first black ball in their garage but it didn't know it was a black ball and that it would turn the inside of my mouth a purple/black shade - nor did my mother - who upon seeing my multi-coloured mouth rushed me to the Doctor convinced I had caught "foot and mouth disease" from a cow - although there was no cow at my Portuguese neighbours house and my feet were fine).

I could smell the garlic and tomato sauce from my neighbours house and then I knew I was reaching mine when suddenly through my nostrils seeped "Fish sticks, mashed potatoes, mini egg rolls and brisket" Yes my dear mother would cook 2 to 3 meals and serve them at once hoping that her family of 5 - 4 of which were very fussy - in case you can't guess my father is the non fussy one - would suffice all of our needs. Of course it never did and my brothers and I would chew the food, spit it up into napkins (my mother was always wondering how we went through all those napkins) and then immediately after dinner, calling any friend that had a car so they could come and get us and bring us to McDonald's (where I would spend all of the money I had earned stuffing invites for people to please come to my relatives art gallery - social media - where were you?)

Mostly I wish we could just skip this whole "winter" thing and go right back to spring and then summer. Then again, without winter I wouldn't have much to complain about and I would have never experienced my first black ball or the wine my brother and I stole from my neighbours and drank until we were sick and then our mother brought us to the Doctor thinking we had "mercury poisoning" from the "fish" we said they had fed us when really we were sick from being intoxicated and had no idea we were intoxicated but it sure felt good before we puked.

Any way, I'm off to sleep. I am hoping that I will fall into a deep delicious dream. I'll be chilling under a palm tree by the ocean and David Beckham will be feeding me a piece strawberry cheesecake by the spoonful. I'll be getting my daily fruit intake and a whole lot more.

Be brave my fellow Montrealers - Grab your soup, your slippers and your blanket and drift gently into the falling snow that is about to kick you in the ass.