Ashton Kutcher, Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan - I've Got Your Back

Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Ashton Kutcher - TMZ, Entertainment Tonight, Etalk, CNN Entertainment and especially the paparazzi - LEAVE THEM ALONE - WILL YA?

I don't know Lindsay or Charlie or Ashton personally. Obviously they have some issues. We all have issues. It doesn't mean that the media has to go ahead and make a smorgasbord out of their lives. Frankly I'm fed up with it. So I am going to help Lindsay, Charlie and Ashton(obviously starring in Two and A Half Men leads to risky behaviour - I wonder what will happen to the kid with the big head?).

I'm formally inviting all the entertainment shows and all the paparazzi to Montreal to follow me for 24 hours. That's right. My life is an open book (actually an open Blog).

Media hounds - you can meet my parents (or folks as you call them in the USA), film me clubbing (I don't go clubbing but you can film me reading in bed from 9pm-10pm although often I nod off while reading at about 9:30pm or so), getting into my car in the morning (actually I don't drive much - prefer to walk - you can film me putting on my baseball cap, my head phones, my courier pack and walking while talking to myself and chewing gum - that or we could go to the nearest Mercedes Benz dealership and stand in the parking lot with me opening the door (before I am arrested) and getting into one of the demos as if it's my car.

Then you can photograph me eating at a trendy Montreal restaurant on Laurier or St. Lawrence or my Mom's where you can have egg rolls, meatloaf, stuffing (that hasn't been stuffed in anything), roasted potatoes all in one meal and she won't even charge you - really she'll feed the whole camera crew. I'll also let you shoot me kissing a man other than my husband in public (who looks like Ashton Kutcher, that a bubble bath and a bar of dark chocolate and I am done).

Oh I know - I'll go on a tropical vacation and you can film me running on the beach in a bikini (trust me if I wear a bikini on the beach - everyone will be running).

I also recognize the importance the paparazzi places on taking photos of famous peoples families and so in good faith I am going to stand aside and allow them to do a photo shoot of my father. Don't worry, he'll find you before you find him and if you promise to take him for cheese cake after - well he's your man. You know the way they feature the movie stars at the Academy awards in terms of "who they are wearing" as in fashion designers well I can tell you now, he will be wearing the "early bird special". As in code for clothing worn in Florida by the senior population who sit on a bench outside a restaurant at 4:30 in the afternoon waiting to get in for their discounted dinner.

In my dad's case, the attire consists of a lovely patterned Hawaiian shirt (although he is clearly not in Hawaii)and a tan or is it brown or is it rust colored pair of pants? And for the finishing touch, what early bird special attire would be complete without those white shoes?

Anyway I have to go and get ready for the arrival of the hoards of photographers and talk show hosts. Also, my mom is on her way over because she doesn't trust me.

I promised I would "do my hair" (what the hell does that mean? I have maybe 3 cm long hair - what am I supposed to do with it - let it grow - wait a minute - that's brilliant)and put on make up (does rubbing that bronzing lotion all over my face count as make up?)and that I would wear a dress designed by "Anne Segal" or is it "Anne Schwartz" oh whatever - some lady that designs dresses and pant suits for women like my mom and I who are tiny with no hips or ass.

Well Lindsay, Charlie and Ashton, here's to you - enjoy your break and here's to me -taking one for the team.

Ashton - call me - we'll do some Kabbalah together - or was that camping? I'm confused.