Nov 12, 2011

Brad Pitt and Me at Costco

So I'm at Costco because I need some essentials in bulk. Let's see there is toilet paper, paper towel and laundry detergent. The problem with going to Costco is that Brad Pitt and always end up getting other things.

The whole place is like a smorgasbord of temptation. The minute we enter the store we are bombarded by products that we don't need - Plasma TVs, Cameras, Leather Jackets (that aren't Leather), Jewelry, Pajamas, Espresso Machines. It's almost as if the stuff is free because there is so much of it and you feel like Oprah just went and gave it to you just for being there.

It's also tricky and dangerous shopping at Costco because if you allow yourself to get sucked into buying food/candy or the like, you need to stop and ask yourself "Can I really see myself eating the same cereal or chewing the same gum for the next 8 months?"

It all makes perfect sense for those people who own convenience stores and re sell the stuff but for me and Brad - it just doesn't.

The thing about Brad Pitt is that he is always calm and cool. He's what my mom likes to call "A Steady Eddie". So he doesn't get all excited or wrapped up in the whole rush of the place. Not like those people who skip a meal before going because they plan to pig out on the taste demos. What are these people thinking? First of all, the samples are tiny and they just don't mix. If you are going to head to the salsa table and then the cereal table, that just isn't going to work. Yet, people line up for the stuff. The person serving is supposed to smile and be really outgoing and I believe they are for the first 30 minutes but after they have been there for 6 hours straight, standing on their feet and feeding all these people who don't need to be fed, well they ain't smiling any more.

Do you know what the smart ones do? They carefully and quietly eat all of the samples so that they can say they did such a great job that they ran out. It's true. Sure they go home after and they are sick for a few hours but you know how you feel when you try to pull something off and you succeed? Well that's worth a stomach ache - isn't it?

I think they should leave a few forklifts around so Brad and me can reach that stuff that is really up high. Do you ever look for "Life" cereal but you just want the plain version and all you can find is the "honey cinnamon" but then you look way up in the sky that is the ceiling of the air hanger that is Costco and there it is "plain"? What to do? Well you can't find anyone in the aisles to help you because the employees are either at the cash or the most important Costco position "Boxing" -yep the dudes who decide which of our items are box worthy and what kind of box - could it be a big one? or a little one that doesn't have enough depth so as soon as you put the stuff in your car it spills all over? They are very serious these box people - try disturbing them by talking to them or perhaps making a box request - forget about it - they are machines, they don't have time for you - they are boxers.

Yeah so Brad says to me, he says "Lisa, I have no idea why I'm in this Blog post and Angelina and I never go to Costco however I really need some soap"

So Brad and I head over to the soap section. There are 1000 varieties of soap (of course including Goat Soap - made by a Goat - like milk - except you rub it all over your body - cause it's soap). Brad and I are confused. We realize how vital this decision is and the obvious consequences - what if we choose the wrong soap and then have to wash ourselves with it for then next 14 months? I mean really - what if it smells bad and then we end up smelling bad? Well it won't matter for Brad because even if he stank, women would still love him. He would still be respected but me - I need to smell good - I have enough working against me!

This is where a variety pack would come in well. But there is none - it's one type - go with the Irish Spring or the Dove or that Goat stuff? I start to think, what if we chose one and we didn't like it - could I give individual bars away as presents? Could I bring a bar of soap over if a friend invites me to dinner instead of a bottle of wine? Why not? Whomever is having me for dinner - bathes - don't they? Actually I'd be doing them a favour because then they could try that one bar of soap and if they really like it, they could go to Costco (but not with Brad cause he only goes with me) and stock up on it big time. I wish someone would come to my house with a bar.

Brad likes to chew gum. If you've watched his movies he is often chewing something - he is a chewer. So there we are in the gum section and once again - it's a tough call! Then - relief - Trident has a variety pack available which would be great if it didn't consist of 20 packs of each flavour and what's with the kiwi mango passion fruit? If I want fruit, I'll chew a mango. I mean I am going to be chewing this stuff way past retirement. I look at Brad and he gives me that smile that's not really a smile and we decide to get the gum and when we are sick of it to put it away until next year and give it out on Halloween.

The other thing about shopping at Costco is that although you had good intentions and you only meant to spend $80 somehow the cashier (who has their own boxer and just has to stand there staring at you and looking at the stuff you've bought with a smirk on their face) hands you a bill for $480! Then the best is when Brad and I are trying to high tail it out of there (because we can't wait to get home and try the soap), we have to stop at the exit so some pimple covered kid who suddenly becomes a powerful Costco security, customs agent - has to check our items against the bill. By the way, they just pretend - they really have no idea what is or isn't in your jumbo carriage - especially the Trident cause it's squished under the 25 lb box of high fibre cereal that is going to make your ass explode after you have been eating it for 5 months.

Everyone always says the same thing when they pack their car... "It doesn't look like $480 worth of stuff"

Anyway Brad had to bounce so he let me off at my house. He put all the stuff on my front porch - I gave him the gum as a Thank You and then he was gone. I rang the doorbell and my husband answered. He helped me carry everything in and then he asked if there was anything to snack on (why do husbands ask what there is to snack on? why don't they look in the pantry or fridge and find out?)? I handed him the "blast your ass" cereal and told him to throw in some berries.

I was taking a bath in this awful smelling soap when he came in and informed me that our friends had just called and invited us over for dinner.

Then he looks at me and he asks "What should we bring?"

To which I reply "I'm soaking in it".

Brad - call me - I ran out of Qtips.

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