How My Parents Use a Cell Phone or Any Phone For That Matter

Let me start by saying "I love my parents" but when it comes to speaking with them by phone (any phone), I begin to wonder what has gone wrong.

They have a cell phone that my brother gave them so we can reach them when they are not home. Of course they rarely have the phone on and when they do, they have no idea how to use it. My mother claims it's my father's fault and my father claims... well you can guess ...

They seem to think it is only for emergencies. It's like those phones or fire alarms in those glass cases you see on walls in schools and shopping malls and I made that up cause I really don't know where you would see these any more.

When I call their cell phone and on the rare occasion they answer, here is what ensues.

Firstly it's my mothers role to "hold" the cell phone while my father drives or eats cheesecake (equally as important and if it is marble cheesecake - more important). Neither of them are assigned to pressing the power button - putting the phone on!

When it does ring, all hell breaks loose. My mother becomes hysterical and swears at my father (okay she does that even when the cell phone does not ring). It goes something like this..

Ring Ring on Larry and Elaines Cell Phone

Larry and Elaine are driving to the pharmacy for toilet paper and those Pirate Peanut Butter Cookies that are on special (that I have never seen in anyone elses house).


Okay so firstly she is screaming into the phone and she says Hello so many times that the person (me) on the other end can't slip in their own Hello.

Me: Hi, what's going on?


Me: Hi, it's me - what's up?

Elaine: Who is this (Lawrence be quiet and drive slower - I can't hear a thing)?

Me: It's your daughter, Lisa.

Elaine: Lawrence it's Lisa, pull over for God's sake!

Note - when their cell phone rings and if they are driving, they believe that pulling over makes the cell phone conversation clearer (I didn't stand a chance)

Lawrence: What' the matter with her? What's wrong? What happened?

Elaine: I don't know but if you would shut up I could find out.

Me: Nothing wrong. I just wanted to touch base so I called you at home and you were not there so I called your cell.

Elaine: Well we are not home (uh huh) we are off to the pharmacy. Do you want me to buy you a box of those cookies with the chocolate on the outside and the marshmallows on the inside? You use to love those. You use to crack the chocolate into little pieces and eat that first, then you would eat the marshmallow and save the graham crust on the bottom for later.

Me: You mean Whippets

Elaine: What? Lawrence, I told you to pull over.

Okay so I think you get the point. Now let's move on to a normal phone in a house and the most feared thing of them all - Talking to my mother and she gets "call waiting".

Me: Ya so I was thinking about becoming a professional dancer and maybe packing up my car and heading to California (not at all the conversation I would be having with her or with anyone - but it's a good conversation starter)

Elaine: I don't think that is a good idea. You are an awful dancer.

And then it happens - the beep - the beep - CALL WAITING

Elaine: Oh, no, what should I do? Should I take it?

Me: Yes, that would be what call waiting is for - you check who is trying to call you and then you decide who you want to speak to more.

Elaine: Okay, stay there, don't go anywhere, I'll be back in a second.

And without a doubt a milli second later

Elaine: Hello Hello

Me: It's still me - press the flash button

Elaine: Hello Hello

Me: Still me

Finally there are a few minutes of pause and I'm really enjoying the quiet then suddenly

Elaine: Lisa can I call you back - it's my friend Ruth and I haven't spoken to her in a while - okay bye

Me: Rejected by my own mother for some Ruth woman.

I actually went out and bought my parents a new set of phones. All of theirs were years old with food stains on them and were purchased at a flea market in Florida. One you couldn't hear out of, one you couldn't be heard from and another the numbers were rubbed out from my mother's hands that are often covered in "Fantastic Spray".

I went over to visit them and check on the new phones which I had left charging the night before.

When I walked in the house, they were nowhere in sight. My mother was on the phone with someone and she was using one of the old phones. She signaled at me that she was talking to someone very important (it's like a point and a wave at the same time and her eyes pop out of her head). So I went downstairs to see my father who was sitting watching TV and eating an entire Betty Crocker Bunt Cake (not true but ever since seeing My Big Fat Greek Wedding - I really find "Bunt Cakes" to be funny).

"Dad, where are the new phones and why is mom using one of the old broken ones?"

My father as the icing from the cake runs down his chin "We are saving them"

"Saving them for what?"

"In case the ones we have break"

I rest my case.

Justin Bieber & Yes I Think I Can Dance

Great title - huh?

I have some confessions to make and I am going to do so in this post right now, right here with you.

Confession #1

I downloaded Justin Bieber My World Acoustic on my Ipod. After much resistance, discipline and in decisiveness over the tremendous following this young man has, I thought I should give him a chance. You know what? He is really talented. He plays multiple instruments, has a great voice, dances well (not as well as me but we will get to that in Confession #2) and considering all the fame, all the women, all the money, this Canadian teen seems balanced and real.

The reason this came as a surprise to me is that I am over 40 (barely - that's not true)and when I saw the coverage on the news for Justin Bieber's (the more I print that name in my post and tag it - the more readers I get so I will be repeating his whole name)Montreal concert, some older women (as opposed to the 8-16yrs crowd) were stating their love for him and their attraction for him and that gave me the heeby jebbies (can't translate that).

Now in my case I am not attracted to Justin Bieber. I see him as a son figure - yes he is adorable but it ends there. That is also much to do with the fact that any man I have been in love with has been over 10 years my senior(yep I even hit over 20yrs and if I had to go visit them at this point in life - I would be touring various senior's residences - not that there is anything wrong with that).

My favourite Justin Bieber song is "Baby" or "Baby Baby". Okay so here comes...

Confession #2.

I dance when I am alone. I dance to Justin Bieber "Baby" and to "Club Can't Handle Me" Flo Rida. I've even been known (by myself) to dance to Michael Buble.

Now I am going to get into detail with you but you have to promise this is just between us (and Justin Bieber).

When I was a kid and my Grandmother would come over on Sunday nights for dinner, I would put on a dance show for her. I would have chosen the song and choreographed the dance a week in advance. I practiced whenever my brother Chuck was not home given his bedroom was downstairs. The most embarrassing thing in the dance world (which I am certainly a part of)is being "caught" - that means the music is blasting and I'm dancing my heart out and suddenly I realize my brother (or worse) is there watching me. This happened several times. My brother being the refined, warm individual that he was back then (he grew up and became nicer)would yell out "Hey you idiot - turn that crap off and get out of my basement" Clearly he wasn't a fan.

Now a days, after my workout I do some yoga and then I blast my music (including Jutsin Bieber) and I rip up the floor, I mean I am that chick with the torn sweatshirt in Flashdance (except I don't pour water on myself although that's something I can try), John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever and Pulp Fiction, Justin Timberlake bringing Sexy Back and Ellen Degeneras (closest to my dancing abilities - okay the only one I am even close to). Obviously I work out at home or this would be slightly odd and shocking if I was in a public gym (although I'd probably get any machine I wanted because I would clear the room).

It's your turn. Can you honestly tell me that you have never used a tennis racket as a guitar or a broom stick as a microphone? You have never danced yourself out to a really great tune playing on the radio when no one is watching?

AAAhhhhh come on - sure you have. Have you ever been caught?

Here's an idea, I am going to get up right now and do a little jig while you are waiting for me to write the next few words (is anyone waiting?)and I would love if you would get up and dance with me. I won't tell anyone.

----------------------------- (that's me dancing)

How did that feel? Do you think you can dance?

I thought it was stupendous and I'd like to thank Justin Bieber and all of my dance fans out there.

By the way, I don't think I can dance - I know I can.

Seinfeld Episode Kramer Gyro Subway (stick with me)

I took the metro today (known as subway for my American readers - yes I have American readers as well as those from Romania, Japan and other far off places and I have no idea why but I thank you - all of you).

I like it. It's fast, convenient and fairly safe (always keep your knapsack in front of you like a baby in one of those kangaroo pouch things - if you carry a purse - not only do I question why you carry a purse ever - I suggest you leave it at home).

I often notice people sleeping on the metro. I wonder if they miss their stops or if they just look like they are sleeping but they are really awake with their eyes closed (it's possible - I know). I wonder what they are thinking. I imagine something like this..

Unidentified Person A - What am I going to eat for dinner tonight? Should I stop at Thai Noodles (this is not an endorsement, just based on personal experience) or should I pick up something at the grocery store. Naa.. I don't feel like going to the store and waiting in line with all those other people who are waiting in line and just want to go home and put on their sweats or bathrobe and use their own toilet and collapse on the couch. Hey, maybe I'll go to that Deli with those great wraps and I'll get the one that is actually a Caesar's salad disguised as a wrap (croutons and all and they are crunchy not soggy). What's that smell? Is that me?

Unidentified Person B - I hate my job. I hate my life. I hate this metro.

Unidentified Woman - I think that guy over there is looking at me. Yep he is looking at me.

Unidentified Man - I think that girl over there is looking at me. Yep she is looking at me.

Unidentified Man referring to the other Unidentified Man - I think that guy over there is looking at me.

I tend to stand and hang on to one of those silver poles. Sometimes I dare myself to perform a stripper pole dance (is there any other kind?) just to see how people react. Then I realize that I look like a 14 year old boy and it probably won't be as funny as I think.

I'm not sure if you ever saw that Seinfeld episode where Elaine and Kramer are taking the subway and Kramer decides he is going to run and grab a gyro while the subway stops to let people off and on. He just makes it but his arm gets caught (the one holding the gyro) and another guy grabs it and Kramer gets left behind.

I thought I would give it a try so I got off at a stop that has a Gryo stand (doesn't even exist) and I ran to get my Gyro while the metro remained open to people switching over from another line. The Gyro man worked intensely fast and he even sold  "Frills gum" (purple, popular in the 70s, gum, tastes like Vaseline or Noxema - I would know).

I gave him a 10 and raced back to the metro and I MADE IT.

Only problem was that in a rush to empty my knapsack in search of my wallet, I left my phone on the gyro counter (that does not exist - I mean the gyro counter - the phone exists).

So my mission had actually failed because I had to get off the metro at the next stop and take one the other way and while running for that one, I dropped my Gyro on the ground (forget the 3 second rule on that one).

So I had really bad breath, a purple tongue from the Frills gum, my phone was not there when I arrived and I was already burping up the onions.

And even worse - I lost my metro card so I had to ask some guy for $3 to get me back on the system and you know what he said... "I'll give you $3 if you promise to do a pole dance on the metro."

And you know what I said, "You must be really desperate because I look like a malnourished 14 yr old boy with way too many hair dye jobs and a really bad fashion consultant"

So there I was riding the metro while riding the pole and everyone except for my "sponsor" was not clapping or placing dollar bills (which don't exist here in Canada) in my torn Levis pocket.

Right there and then I decided that like most ideas I have had - this was a very bad one - not the pole dancing - the getting off the metro to grab a gyro.

I will never do that again.

I am however booked on at least 3 metro lines for pole dancing next week.

Hey it pays $3 per dance - not only is that enough for a gyro, it's enough for a whole platter.

Giddy Up!

Making Love & Being in Love

Being in love is an incredibly powerful feeling. It carries you from every day oblivion into a mind-blowing cluster of intense passion and desire.

I don't know why we fall in love with certain people. Although in most instances, I have always felt that the people I have most been in love with; I knew in a past life.

There is nothing quite as intense and hypnotic as those first few months together making love.

When I think of being in love and making love, I think of deep, warm kisses and scrumptious hugs. I think of lying in bed in the dark, buried under the covers, speaking softly about things that I share no where else and with no one else. I think of how magical it felt to melt into one another; nothing in-between except the energy of our lustful love.

I am reminded of the stillness.

Can you bring yourself back to those moments when you let down all your guards? When you gave of yourself and felt "everything", when you disconnected from the world and all of your worries and responsibilities long enough to lose yourself in the magic of it all?

When you are in love you pretty much eat, sleep and breathe "happy" chemicals. Everything seems brighter, better and effortless. It's a drug you become addicted to; you can't wait for your next hit and you feel as if you cannot live without it.

I remember lovers eyes - open, wide open just for me to take a journey through to their heart and soul.

I remember the warmth of his body against mine. I remember having my head upon his chest; his breath rising and falling beneath my body.

I remember his mouth, his tongue, his lips all dancing across my body in kisses and soft brushes painting my skin and drinking the desire from my pours.

There's that incredible rush of chemicals - the deep, slow inhale, the inevitable, delicious exhale and sharing that arc of pleasure with the one you love.

Making love is a fruitful, fantastic waltz that moves and sways beautifully into the darkness and the light.

And with the right person at the right time; there is nothing quite like it.


The Kid Inside of You

When was the last time you played soccer in the rain or baked a cake and made face masks from the icing? When was the last time you skateboarded down a steep hill or cycled against traffic? When was the last time you had a slumber party -just you and your friends watching movies, eating everything in sight (with no fear of the grand total calorie count)?

Why do we stop being kids? Well because as we grow older our responsibilities multiply and we seem to have less and less time for ourselves and we forget just how much fun, fun is.

Then something happens and we get a taste of the innocence and simplicity of being young and just doing what you want to do and saying what you want to say. Do you want to feel younger? Hang out with a 4 yr old - a niece, nephew, son, daughter and just listen to what comes out of their mouth.

When my nephews were 2 and 4 respectively, the older one said to the younger one - "You're stupid, you have ca ca (ca ca, kaka, have no idea how to spell it) in your head."

I thought that was brilliant. It was sort of like saying "You're full of shit" just on a different level.

My younger nephew learned how to swear early on. My mother who is a professor and holds many degrees - curses like there ain't no tomorrow. She took care of my nephews often and is a great grandmother but she says the "F" word many times a day.

My dad is a former sports writer and broadcaster and he always talks about hockey and often finds a game on the TV no matter what the season.

My husband owned a big green truck when we met (don't ask?!)My nephew use to stare out the window from his baby swing at that truck like it was a superhero. He would ask me "Where's the green tuck?" (the r is missing on purpose).

Okay so the first quasi sentence out of his mouth went like this...

"Hockey, Tuck, Fuck You"

He often said this aloud at family functions, on public transport and to his daycare teachers.

The great thing about this (there were many not great things about it) was that he just said what he was thinking. When my sister-in-law asked my mother to please stop swearing in front of the boys, my mother composed herself and apologized (and as soon as my sister-in-law left - my mother said "Ahh she is over reacting, I don't Fucken swear that much").

When I was a kid, making plans with friends just meant I got on my bike (which was usually just thrown on the lawn in front and never stolen) and rode it over to whomever's house was the closest. If they weren't already outside (usually were)I'd ring the doorbell and ask them to come to the park with me. On the way we'd pick up a few more friends and then we'd spend the afternoon - all afternoon - hanging out in the park doing everything and yet nothing. We'd run from here to there - get on the swing set and push each other as hard and high as possible. Then we'd climb that thing that was for climbing (with the ropes and iron bars all mangled together and no sand underneath to catch our fall)and that would become boring so we would climb a tree and then end the day by sitting in a tunnel (the kind we use to crawl through) talking about stuff - I say stuff because I'm not sure we really spoke about anything. What served as our reality then would never repeat itself in our entire remaining lives.

Now if I want to make plans with a friend, I have to let them know at least 5 days advance and they have to make sure they can get a "pass" meaning their husband has agreed to watch the kids and maybe even feed them dinner (that's actually a double pass).

Plans are often cancelled because one of the kids is sick or my friend is sick or someone thinks they are going to be sick and frankly that all makes me quite sick. When we do manage to meet up, we are all exhausted and often frustrated by work or by our partners or our kids or our neighbours or our neighbours neighbour and after about an hour we just want to go home.

There's also that "couple's problem". Often my husband doesn't like 1/2 of the couple when it comes to my friends and when it comes to his it's the same for me. We always joke that if we could split them all apart and match them up with each others partners, it would be much better.

I'm immature. I'm a tomboy. I have a long board (skate) with incredible wheels and bearings and an amazing design (dogs playing pool). I have a bmx/urban bike that I do tricks on - it's a Hooligan - funny because that is what my mom use to call me when I was little. I wear Levis, a white t-shirt, Nike high tops or on special occasions Converse and my hair is short and spiked like that of a grade 9 boy. I can be very silly, have tons of energy and I refuse to grow up because really let's be honest, it sucks.

I have two dogs and anyone who relates to canines can tell you that they keep you young. They never grow up. They are kids from the day you get them until the day you lose them forever. They love to run like crazy and hump each other. They eat one an other's faces and chase their own tails. They bark and wag their tail when they are happy for everyone to see and when I arrive home a the end of the day, they are waiting for me and they just want to play. They chase balls and sometimes bring them back. They love to swim even though they rarely seem to be heading in any certain direction. They like to cuddle and put their heads on my lap and they love when I pretend to be Frankenstein and hunch my back and hold my hands in the air and chase them. They think that is really funny.

So getting to the point - it rained yesterday. A forest rests in the back of my house. It's a gift - an extra added bonus to our house. I had a thought and instead of thinking about all the reasons why it wouldn't be a good idea or why I was too tired or lazy to do it - I did it - I was a kid.

I changed into my sweatpants and a t-shirt and my "Billy" boots. I dug up the lime green frisbee and called my dogs to the back door. I didn't bother to put on my rain coat even though it was pouring rain. I wanted to feel it pelt against my body and make its way into my pours. I wanted to be soaked to the skin and covered in mud from the lake size puddles that had formed on the ground.

I ran out and my dogs excitedly followed - their feet at my the heels. I threw the Frisbee far off into the forest through the sky. The dogs disappeared into the trees, wind and rain. I jumped into the biggest puddle I could find and slipped and ended up on my back. I was fine but instead of getting up I just laid there taking in an old man smoking a pipe in the form of a cloud. I flashed back to playing mud soccer with my brothers and me and a bunch of kids from the block. We were dirty and wild and our energy was endless. Everything was funny, I mean really funny. We laughed like we were going to heel over and pee in our pants.

When was the last time I had laughed that hard? When was the last time I had completely unstructured time - no deadlines, no practicalities or responsibilities, no one waiting for me, no having to go to work to pay the bills, no being away from my dogs and house all day in the city, no having to be someone I was never really ready to be - an adult.

My dogs re-appeared, one with the Frisbee in his mouth and the other trying to eat his tail.

I felt a chill and I knew it was time to go inside, take a warm bath and change into dry clothes. I knew all of that because I am grown up and because my brothers are no longer there to say "Stay out a little longer" and my mother is no longer there with open arms, running the bath, preparing the dinner and putting out my PJ's.

It's just me, on my own, taking care of myself and understanding that we all grow up and we all grow old but we still need to jump in puddles when they least expect it and make that final homerun slide through mud and rain with our childhood friends, here and gone, cheering and laughing as if the day would never end.

We are the sky above and we are the ground below and sooner or later we dissapear into one and re-appear in the other.