Celine Dion - Get Your Hands off My Smoked Meat
Give me a break. Celine Dion and her father I mean her husband Rene better keep their hands off of my Schwartz's Smoked Meat.
First of all, I started going there for my "regular" (extra lean smoked meat sandwich, extra mustard, cherry coke, pickle on the side and fries) when I was a kid.
My dad was friends with the manager or owner at the time - Morris Sprigger or Spreiger - something - who had played with the Montreal Symphony Orchestra - Violin - and advertised Schwartz's on CKVL - the station where my dad worked. Over the years they became good friends after my dad a dj at the time featured Morris on his show.
He would save us a table in the back - saved tables unheard of - and he would ask one of the staff named Charlie - a very nice man - to get us a bag of giant gum balls from across the street. Charlie would return with a brown paper bag full of gum balls just in time for dessert.
This was a weekly happening in the Cohen family and we loved it. Never in my wildest or worst possible dreams would I imagine Celine Dion and Rene whateversoever being associated with this fine Montreal Institution. It makes my rye bread sick to its stomach.
Now Nickels is one thing. I don't care how many Nickels she owns or how many songs of hers are played hourly at Nickels because I don't frequent the place. I went there once and the smoked meat did not meet the high standards I have been accustomed to and it's hard to eat when she is screaming - I mean singing - in the background the entire meal.
And how are those "crafted carvers and cutters" going to feel when Rene comes in and starts calling the shots? Does he know who these guys are?
I think Snookie from Jersey Shore should outbid Rene and then when Celine comes to his defense (something she has had to do but not in regard to a restaurant), her and Snookie can get down on the ground and mud wrestle or maybe even mustard wrestle to decide who gets the place.
What's next? Is Rene going to buy Tasty Food or Wolensky's? Am I going to pull up at the giant orange on Decarie and as I step out of my car to get my refreshing, delicious Julep hear Celine's voice yelping from the parking lot speakers? Do you realize what havoc that could cause on the Decarie Expressway?
It's a sad day for Montrealers and it's a sadder day for Schwartz's.
I'm not sure my sandwich will ever taste the same and as for my pickle - hands off Rene - hands off.