Someone please - stop the madness!
On second hand, you know what? I will stop the madness. That's right - I am officially offering myself up for a part on The Bachelor.
Here is what I am going to need:
- Licorice and lots of it - the long stringy kind - because that is what will be hanging out of my mouth the entire show - just to annoy the other contestants.
- A tricycle - because I'll have to have the IQ of a 4 year old to be eligible (my apologies to any 4 year olds I many have offended).
- Lots of peppermint gum - let's face it the battle is 80% breath - you can be absolutely stunning but if you have halitosis, he ain't gonna pick you.
Okay so my ulterior motive is to prove beyond any doubt that no woman is in need of The Bachelor to complete herself.
First I'm going to sit down all the ladies and say "Really, are you serious? If you want to meet a guy, join a gym, let your friends set you up, let your mother set you up (okay maybe that's a bit much), go onto E-Harmony or Match.com or GetmeLaid but please leave this mansion immediately and go back to wherever you came from."
And then I'm going to get into that hot tub that is spiraling in all of the germs from the past 5 seasons (I made that up - I have no idea how many seasons there have been but I do know there have been far too many) and I'll be wearing a bathing cap, board shorts and a blue t-shirt - what? did you think I was going to wear a white one and give away all of my finer features and should all of this sentence have been in a bracket?
And right their in that tub I'll inform the Bachelor that all of the other women have left the building and I am his only hope at ever having a fake marriage on TV.
Then in that final scene on the patio overlooking the ocean with the torches lit and that last rose glistening, I will look him straight in the eye when he gets down on one knee and asks me that ever looming, romantic, out of this world question:
"Can you take that licorice out of your mouth and lose the bathing cap?"
And just then, when he thinks he has me in the palm of his hand I will not say "I do", I will say "I don't" and I will walk off into the midst of the night and the ratings for the show will go way up and I will be in People Magazine and the media will be doing the whole "he said, she said" and there will be a reunion on Dr. Phil where he yells at the Bachelor for taking women for granted and he yells at me for not watching his show and all those people that he begs to buy tickets for his show will clap their hands when he takes his wife by the hand and walks off the stage and pretends to be talking to her about something (not that I would know any of this because I don't watch his show) and you'll wonder why Dr. Phil's wife had to get all dressed up for every show just to sit there and rot while he yells at someone and then just to walk off stage with him.
Then TMZ will greet me at the airport or the gym or the pharmacy - yeah the pharmacy because we all go to the pharmacy and there is always something to buy - it's impossible to walk out with less than 3 items even if you don't need them but it's the pharmacy so you figure you will need any one of them sooner or later - it's like a back up plan.
And they'll ask me why I said "I don't" and I'll tell them that if I said "I do" this post would make less sense than it already does and for my readers that would be a terrible disappointment.
So there you go, on behalf of all women, I am standing up against the Bachelor and the whole premise of the series and saying "I don't and I never will" and as for Dr. Phil's wife, seriously, one show, just one time, don't show up and let him walk off stage by himself because you're better than that - we all are!