I Will Never Stop Looking For You


It’s getting dark.

I’m heading home.

You won’t be there.

I’ll eat alone.

I’ll wonder how I ended up

Where I’ve ended up.

I’ll put on the TV but I won’t watch.

I’ll open up a book but I won’t read.

I’ll get into bed but I won’t sleep.

I’ll stare at the walls.

The shadows staring back at me.

I’ll close my eyes.

I’ll hear your voice.

I’ll see your face.

Your lips will move.

I’ll ask the question

That everyone asks

But you won’t answer

You’ll walk away

Into the white

Into nothing





I won’t get to tell you

What I should have told you...


You are the rhythm

As I breathe in

As I breathe out

You are the reason I am here

In the black

Bumping into everything

I love you

I feel you somewhere

Everywhere

Nowhere

And as you continue to fade

As you move further away

As every memory of you

Comes crashing down

I will open my eyes

I will bite my lip

Until it bleeds

So I know

I can still bleed

I will move on

To where I saw you last

In the mist

In the clouds

In some place I’ve never been

Hopeless, Hopeful,

Always and Forever

I'll become a searchlight

And

I will never stop looking for you

Saying Goodbye to Your Dog

Dogs are incredible souls.

They are gifts.

We don’t have them for long but while we do have them they bless and enrich our lives. They love us from the time we bring them home until the light leaves their eyes and we become so accustomed to having them around that without them our lives become silent and empty.


                                                    Buster (2007-2010) F*ck Cancer

Dogs don’t care if you are fat or skinny, old or young, having a really bad hair day or if you are rich or poor.

They just love you.

They miss you the second you leave the house and they are there to greet you the second you open the door.

They think that the greatest thing in the whole wide world (aside from rawhide) is spending time with you.

They are funny not knowing they are funny and not meaning to be funny.

They each have their own unique personalities and traits. Some like to eat your socks, others your shoes, some bark, some talk and others hump the couch but it seems no matter what they do or destroy, your love for them grows and grows.

A dog is the best kind of friend.

They listen, they don’t talk back, they remain neutral when you are discussing an incident, they let you make your own decisions, they stay by your side when you are sick or sad or both, they give freely of their affection including mega-kisses and they always want to play with you.

They know your deepest darkest secrets. They have seen everything. They protect and guard you and they watch you even when you don’t realize they are watching you.

There’s a light, a sparkle, in their eyes that remains brightly lit. They are forever curious and compassionate and they accept and love you always.

You love your dog and when the time comes for his/her journey to end whether it is prematurely from Cancer or late in their lives from age, you honour and respect them by doing what is best for them - not for you.

For anyone who has held their dog in their arms through his/her very last breaths, you know that there is nothing quite as painful, hurtful and grueling as letting them go.

You would do anything to extend their lives and wish you could keep them forever and ever but they are precious beings that sprinkle some magic ferry dust upon our existence and eventually that dust blows away and goes to a far better place.

Saying goodbye to your dog is the only negative factor in the otherwise over the top love fest that grabs you by the hand and pulls you onto the floor for the dance of a lifetime.

It sways and jives around and around in a warm wonderful circle that makes our lives whole and teaches us about love and how much of it we are capable of giving and sharing.

No Porch Light to Call Me Home

There are dark cold days when nothing falls into place and my heart drops and my mind spins. I can’t grasp onto anything or anyone. There is no exit from the heavy sorrow that fills and overflows seeping through my pores.

There are slices of light and seconds of sun that lift me and push me upward and allow me to breathe fuller and escape what seems to be the unrelenting noise of my thoughts.

And between these states of dark and light, between the flow of the ocean and the moon rising, I reach out and search for those I’ve lost, those I’ve loved, those I will never touch, see, hug, hold again in this life.

I can’t find them because I don’t know where they are only that they are somewhere around me with me watching over me moving forward with me and forever connected to me.




 
When I close my eyes I see them and sometimes in my dreams I hear them. They are telling me they are okay and they will be there for me, they wait for me, their arms will be open. They will swoop me up and spin me around in circles of love. They tell me to go on living and to enjoy each and every moment and to stop stopping and keep moving.

They tell me to break through the fog and the dusk and wipe my tears, clear my eyes and take a second look, carefully, purposefully searching with hope and promise that eventually, inevitably, comfortably, warmly...

I will find a porch light to call me home.

And there they wait, there; they are exactly how I remember them and as they always will be.