Oct 19, 2013

I Met a Man in a Beer Fridge and This is What Happened

This is a true story and it is fascinating. 

I went to the grocery store. I was in the mood for some Beck's non alcoholic beer (is there any other kind?). I am always hesitant to walk into that "walk- in" (I just said “walk” twice) beer fridge. I wonder “Who else is going to be in there and if a tree falls in the woods – does anybody hear? That tree being me – if someone decides to grab me in that fridge because I am taking the last case of Beck's non alcoholic beer?

 So I go in and it’s cold because it’s a fridge. I make my way around the maze of crates and boxes and then I smell cologne and I don’t wear cologne (although I do smell like Moroccan oil and it smells really good) so I know its not me. 

Then this large man (anyone is large compared to me) comes around the bend and smiles and says in a language I clearly do not understand or speak (but this whole thing is made up so it doesn't matter it's like when you have a dream you are back with your X and you hear yourself screaming "no not that - anything but that" and then you wake up and it did not really happen).

So here is what he says - the guy in the beer fridge - are you still with me?

“What are you looking for little lady?”

and I say...

“It’s a beer fridge – I’m looking for beer.”

He smiles, pats me on the back – which is strange because we are face to face.

I find my Beck’s beer, smile on the inside and then I turn around and the cologne guy is right up in my face. I am suddenly afraid and then to make things worse (worse than being alone in a giant cold fridge with a stranger who is close talking me)...


He puts his arm around me and walks me out of the fridge sort of like we are going down the aisle except my family is not in the front row and there is no little kid throwing flowers at people with flower allergies and there is no song playing “our song” that we would be dancing to while all of our friends and family watch on and wonder “When are they going to stop dancing to this stupid song and serve us some food?”

His family (whom I have never met because they were not in the beer fridge) speak the same language as he does and I still have no idea what language that may be even though I asked Siri (in case you are wondering she replied "only an idiot would marry someone they met in a beer fridge).

Then my new beer fridge husband and I exit the fridge as he bends downs and kisses my cheek. We go our separate ways.

I am completely confused as I head to the cash to check out – not because of what just happened but because I perpetually confused.

I pay, I leave, I return home, I get cozy on the couch and turn on Netflix. My dog is sniffing me extra intensely and I realize he smells the beer fridge man's cologne on my cheek.

I wonder “Will I ever return to that grocery store beer fridge?” and if so “Will he be there waiting for me?”

And as I reflect on that deep thought, I realize that this whole beer fridge experience has been way too overwhelming.

So I pour myself a Beck's and feel that buzz that I can’t feel (because there is no alcohol) but that I pretend to feel so I can float off into oblivion and decide on a wedding song to dance to with my new fridge husband

And there sits my mother in the first row (wondering- Where did I go wrong with this one?).

She shakes her head and waves her swollen, arthritic finger and says:

“I’m not paying for this wedding."

Cheers and please don't drink and drive - unless you are drinking Beck's 0%

Oct 18, 2013


Heartbreak is a scar that you carry around hidden beneath your sleeve but always visible in your eyes.

No matter how much you grow or how many others you fall in love with, you never forget that one great, big heartbreak.

And it’s not just your heart that breaks, it’s your mind as well.  

You see life differently and everyone else you encounter thereafter is subjected to careful examination. 

You put on a brave face at work all day but when you return home you find yourself struggling to pick up the pieces of your shattered heart that have fallen everywhere and nowhere.

This break, this dark cloud dipping into your soul has brought you to your knees leaving you unable to sleep, think or eat. The pain so intense, you are convinced it cannot be tamed.

But for the most part and as time goes on, the thoughts and images fade and the pain lessens. The heart begins to heal and blossom and you open it up for business once again.

You realize that without a broken heart, you would never know what it feels like to truly love someone. 

You realize that even a broken heart beats.

We all experience heartbreak.

You do.

I do.

And any heart that has yet to be broken knows it's only a matter of time.

Oct 15, 2013

Deep Thoughts from a 40 Something Year Old Woman

Welcome to Lisa Audrey Cohen's....

Deep Thoughts from a 40 Something Year Old Woman

Is that a blow torch up my ass or am I just having a hot flash?

Something sweet to say to me: “Honey, you are just as beautiful as the day we met” or “I like you with whiskers”

What is that kangaroo pouch above my waist line and why does it remain there even when I suck my gut in and does it come with a baby kangaroo or just water retention (I’m naming the baby kangaroo Sally)?

Me and Bob Gainey - Having Deep Thoughts.

A Sports bra is highly recommended even if you are just sitting on the couch.  All of the action is heading down south toward the knee caps and the knee caps are creaking and aching especially when I bend, walk, run or lie down.

Heading down south use to mean heading to Florida.

Heading downtown use to mean …never mind.

Stop those Diane Keaton L’Oreal commercials. She is killing me. Does she actually look like that at her age? I don’t want to see her anymore. That goes for you too Cindy Crawford.

What’s foreplay?

I never intended to grow a beard.

Ditto for the sideburns.

I forget what I was going to say next and in 5 minutes I will forget that I forgot.

But I am sure it was another really deep thought from a 40 something year old woman.


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