Why More Women Should Shake Their Booty Like I Shake Mine



Let’s be clear on this – I have no booty. I wear men’s “Low Waist Levi’s” and I don’t have a waist.

My pants therefore fall down. I wear belts but they are of little use – sort of like carrying a goldfish home from the pet store in a plastic bag – that’s not what the bag is for and that’s not where the fish is supposed to live and that has no relevance to anything I am saying.

Here are the Top 9 (couldn’t think of 10) Tips on how you can shake your booty like I shake mine and I strongly advise you do not follow any of these suggestions.

9 – Ditch those big leather purses with the studs and giant zippers and put on a knapsack. It fits conveniently on your back and you can carry it without carrying it. Also you can fit a lot in it because of its depth and you can even have a water bottle handy.

8 – Stop with the make-up, most especially the lip liner and the lip stick. It’s a mess. It ends up all over your coffee cup and other people’s faces when you kiss them. Your kids have to wipe it off like when those old relatives kiss them with all that spit and saliva and bad breath oozing from their orifices. Simply rub some Vaseline Cocoa Radiant Lotion into your pores and your skin will glisten with delight.

7 – The most important items in your wardrobe should not be dresses or skirts or panty hose (those are just awful especially the way the feel at the waist – it’s like those bean bags you wore in bean bag races – you wanted to drop them but you couldn’t until you reached the finish line (and that makes no sense whatsoever in the context of # 7 which we are now on). That’s right the most important items are graphic Ts, Hoodies (Are those great or what and they come with hoods?), Levis red tab button downs (you bet), Blundstones (thank you Australia for these incredibly comfortable and great looking boots and for Keith Urban and The Great Barrier Reef), and a wonderfully fitting cotton exercise bra (keeping things on one level).

6 – What’s with all the brown and black hair – get some pink or orange or something funky going while you still can. There are so many colours out there to try and think of it this way – you’ll be doing your lover a great favour because it will be like sleeping with a different woman every week. I’ve gone all over the rainbow – sporting a little reddish pinkish right now and I look fabulous.

5 – Your perfume is too strong - you are wearing way too much of it. Everyone wants to tell you this especially your co-workers but they don’t know how so I am putting it out there and helping them and helping you and helping anyone breathing in the same air. Once again, just lather up with Vaseline and be on your way.

4 – Stop wearing glasses unless you actually have a prescription to wear glasses and you therefore need to wear glasses. At some point someone decided to sport some really large glasses as a fashion statement and then their friends decided to do the same and now I am so confused because all of these people are walking around wearing glasses and I can’t tell who is supposed to be wearing them and who isn’t and I find that troublesome.

3 – How can you possibly walk around in those heels? Do you realize how bad they are for your back, your ankles, your knees, and your entire lower body? Put on some sneakers or some Aussie boots or even do that flip flop thing in the summer (although I am not thrilled about seeing other peoples toes) but do yourself a favour and throw off those heels. I see you wearing them in the winter in the snow. What on earth are you thinking? Is it really worth cracking your ankle or falling into one of the broken bursting Montreal underground pipes or potholes that we pay to have repaired with our taxes that are higher than any other province and where corruption is the norm in construction. I am completely off course now – do you see what your heels have done to me?

2- Stop wearing jewelry that weighs more than a garbage truck. I have seen you with earrings that are heavier than a set of Janitor keys and necklaces that hang lower than breasts that are not in an exercise bra. Take all of that gear off – you’re not going into battle – you’re just going to work or to drop your kid off at folk dancing. Get yourself a nice delicate chain and go to the nearest Tattoo parlour for a set of permanent titanium studs and while you are at get a few more holes pierced to go with your pink hair.

And the #1 Fabulous Tip That I Offer you free of charge on how you can shake your booty like I shake mine...

Remember when you were 3 yrs. old and your mother dressed you in all these different outfits and you really didn’t care what you were wearing because for the most part you just wanted to tear it off and run around naked? You didn’t care what you looked like because the only reason you ever looked in the mirror was to check what your twin was up to (which was really your reflection unless of course you had a twin). You probably weren’t even sure if you were a boy or a girl or if you liked boys or girls or both (not that there is anything wrong with that)and all you wanted to do was have fun and yell and scream and sing and laugh and dance and meet Kermit the Frog.

Well actually that has nothing to do with #1 – so here is #1:

1 – Go ahead and  LET IT ALL HANG OUT because sooner or later it’s all going to hang and when it does you are going to want to shake your booty like I shake mine.



and always include a dog in your selfies because even if you don't look good - the dog always will!
                           
            
Thank You – KC & The Sunshine Band for the song– the Late Very Kind Larry Wexler for my first pair of Levis – Mark Zuckerberg for always wearing a Hoodie even though you can afford a suit – my mother for accepting me for who I am and sewing me a ballet outfit even though i tripped and fell during recital and lastly to Vaseline (for so many reasons).

What Going Down South Meant When I Was 18 and What it means NOW!

First of all, I am not 18 or even close. I am just shy of 50 "something" but when i was 17 - going down south meant going to Florida for spring break and partying my small, tight ass off and when I was 18 going down south meant.....never mind.

And now? Well now it means my entire body is going down south as in my boobs are hanging, my small ass is no longer tight, my eyes are puffy and I am pretty sure I am slowly shrinking (which is especially scary given I am only 5'1").

I use to look in the mirror all the time when I was younger and the reflection was average to good. Now I look in the mirror and hear my late, great, grandma Mary saying "OYE" (which is Yiddish for "Oye").

Do you want to hear the truth? Sure you do - here it is...

You look in the mirror. If you gained weight - you will look heavier. If you lost weight - you will look thinner. If you rarely sleep, you will have bags under your eyes. If you took too much sun you will have lines and freckles on your face. If you have smoked your whole life, you will have red vessels popping like veins and yellow teeth and bad breath.

If you took care of yourself and worked out and ate right and got your sleep - you may look good although lots of people who do all of the above actually look tired and spent and too thin.

If you have good genes and your 76 yr old mother looks like she is still 66 - well then you have it made.


The thing is - you look the way you look - your body is a result of the way you treat it and beyond that - there is the "gene thing" going and there are the various stress factors that life throws your way.

So how about focusing less on the physical stuff and focusing more on the fact that you have made it to middle age while many of your friends and family have not been so fortunate.


                                
                                         I have lost track of which way is up and which way is down

                                 

What are we middle aged women supposed to do?

Accept and love ourselves for who we truly are and all that we have accomplished - being a great life partner to your soul mate - being a great mom or step mom to your children - being a great dog or cat parent - making a living when it is so hard to do so out there - getting through the most painful experiences and the toughest of times because you persevered - taking care of your aging parents and being by their sides when they left this world - laughing your ass off at yourself - caring for a friend in their time of need without asking for anything in return -holding a door open for someone in back of you - letting someone switch lanes in front of you - 

And if the pants that use to be loose are too tight - get another pair - if the bra that use to hold up your boobs no longer holds up our boobs - get another bra - if you have lines on your face or bags under your eyes - get out the Preparation H and start rubbing - if your hair is turning gray - head to the hair salon and go pink or green - that's right - be a rebel - if you are a nervous wreck obsessing over everything and unable to relax - have a glass of wine or two - read a book in complete silence - take your dog for a walk at sundown and find a place to sit while the world stops spinning; bless the day you just had especially if it ended with everyone you love in one piece.

And when you finally get under the covers at night whether you have a husband or wife or dog or cat next to you in bed or even if you are going through a period where you are alone and scared - remember that you are middle aged - meaning you are in the middle of your life and you got yourself there.


It's the place you stop to hear the spirit of a beloved one  whisper in your ear:

"The middle is in-between the beginning and the end.
And if you  turn off all the  noise in your head and you are conscious of the moments that pass; you will realize the middle is the best place to be."

Now if only I could find my Preparation H.




A Long Way from Me to You




It's a long way from me to you

Use to be so many ways 

From me to you

Now there's just one way

There's just you

There's just me

And that's really no way

From me to you






There's this long country road

I'm driving down with the window open

I smell the air and I feel the wind against my face

There's that crossroad you see in all the movies

And you hear about in all the songs

And as I stop the car, get out and look around

I see the road I can continue heading down

The other roads I can take

To the left

To the right

To somewhere

To nowhere

I wait there in the hot sun with the wires buzzing and moths flying through the air

I look over my shoulder

I listen for any hint of the sound of your voice

A sound I would know anywhere

I stand there alone

I stay until sundown

Every hope, every wish, every dream of you suddenly appearing and telling me you love me and you miss me and you want me back

Shattered

I get back in the car and as I start the engine I look at the road straight ahead

I look at the road to the right

The road to the left

And I have no idea which way to go

I have no idea how to move on without you

So I stay there at that crossroad while the engine hums and the darkness surrounds me

The only light is the dancing of fireflies playing like a slide show across the windshield

And as I put my foot to the pedal

I realize the only way I can go

Is the way I've never been

There's no way from me to you

There's only you

And there's only me

Driving down different roads

Into the darkness

Into the light