TOP 9 THINGS GOING DOWN WHEN I BECOME THE BACHERLORETTE



Okay I get that the Bachelorette is all about young women who are in search of a husband - a wedding dress, starting a family and lots of french kissing but what about us middle aged single ladies?

Here are the top 9 ways (and they are fascinating) that this middle aged, fed up, tired, bloated, tell it like it is Bachelorette would do stuff:

9 - the moment the cameras start to roll and those bright lights hit me - I am going to do one thing and one thing only - have a hot flash (and say "Oye I'm having a hot flash").

8 - opening scene - forget the arrival by limo and i don't need 50 men - 9 for the picking will do - arrive walking your dog and when you first lay your eyes upon my mystical beauty ask "Who are you wearing?" and I will reply "Levis by Levi Strauss".

7 - settle into the mansion - and if this whole greeting process goes past 930PM then I am going to bed because I'm fed up, tired and bloated and they better have Netflix ( I'm talking to you Chris Harrison).

6 - let's just agree that we are all going to have diarrhea at the same time - the producers are going to force us to feed each other street food in the warmest, stickiest climates and then make out with garlic and onions and some kind of cumin and we are basically all licking each other since I am also being asked to suck face with each of you - bring on the immodium.

5 - all of the men will also be 50 + which means that we are all going to have gas after we eat and pee a lot and everyone is going to have to skip the hot tub because UTIs are a stark reality of middle age.

                       
                    

                       Must love dogs


4 - hometown visits - i have to meet your family because the producers insist upon it but you best not have a nasty sister who has blow dried her hair with a front flip and wants to close talk me one on one in her bedroom (that was her bedroom when she was twelve and it's still her bedroom - move out will ya?) and also happens to have halitosis. If this should occur I am exited stage right (or left  - I have no idea how to use this expression).

3 - Montreal is my hometown so you are assured of great food, great night life and my mother will be very hospitable - she will feed you - ask all about your life in a non invasive manner and then when you leave she will say one of two things:

"He is never going to amount to anything."

or

"He's a keeper."

And although I will deny it - she will be right on the mark.

2 - forget the rose ceremony - if you are chosen to stay you get a shot of vodka and if you are chosen to leave - you get a shot of vodka and so do I because rejection sucks whether you are on the giving or receiving end.

1 - and the #1 thing (are you still reading this?) that is going to go down when I am the Bachelorette - I am going to meet someone who I have known all my life but have never actually met up until that moment - a thoughtful, funny, warm individual who will look me in the eye (s) and say "I've been waiting for you - what took so long?"
                     
            Sorry Mom - it's Levis Red Tab for me - all out of dresses.


Now will someone get me a mint?