Someone please - stop the madness!
Photo by Edu Carvalho
On second hand, you know what? I will stop the madness. That's right - I am officially offering myself up as a contestant on The Bachelor.
Here is what I am going to need:
- Licorice and lots of it - the long stringy kind - because that is what will be hanging out of my mouth the entire show - just to annoy the other contestants.
- My dog because I'm not going anywhere without him.
- A few tins of those mints that burn your tongue - let's face it, the battle is 80% breath - you can be absolutely stunning but if you have halitosis, he ain't gonna pick you.
Okay so my ulterior motive is to prove beyond any doubt that no woman is in need of The Bachelor to complete herself.
First I'm going to sit down all the ladies and say "Really, are you serious? If you want to meet a guy, join a gym, let your friends set you up, let your mother set you up, go onto E-Harmony or Match.com or GetmeLaid but please leave this mansion immediately and go back to wherever you came from."
And then I'm going to get into that hot tub that is spiraling in all of the germs from the past 10 seasons (I made that up - I have no idea how many seasons there have been but I do know there have been far too many) and I'll be wearing a bathing cap, board shorts and a t-shirt.
And right there in that tub, I'll inform the Bachelor that all of the other women have left the building and I am his only hope at ever having a fake marriage on TV.
Then we'll head back to our rooms and freshen up for that final, sunset scene on a dock by torchlight.
It will be dark and I will be tired, bloated and fed up so I'll trip and fall onto the dock but I'll get up. I always get back up!
The Bachelor will get down on one knee and ask me that ever looming, romantic, out of this world question:
"Can you take that licorice out of your mouth and lose the bathing cap?"
And forget about me saying "I do" because I am going to say "I don't."
There will be a an explosive and revealing reunion on Dr. Phil. He will yell at the Bachelor for taking women for granted and at me for not watching his show.
The audience will clap and say "Awwwww" in unison.
Then for the really exciting part - the end - Dr. Phil will take his wife by the hand and walk off stage and pretend to be talking to her about something (not that I would know any of this because I don't watch his show) and you'll wonder why Dr. Phil's wife has to get all dressed up for every show just to sit there and wait (while he yells at someone); so she can walk off stage with him.
Then TMZ will greet me at the airport or the gym or the pharmacy (where no one looks happy - have you ever seen anyone smiling in line at the Pharmacy?)
NO - because frankly, it's an exhausting experience. Everyone thinks everyone else has a cold or the flu or a headache so they are all trying to keep a distance.
Meanwhile, you are putting stuff in that little carry carriage - stuff that you don't need but you may need but you're not sure you need...
Then you finally get home and what you really need is a shower and a Tylenol (which you forgot to buy).
And for those of you still reading this (thanks Mom and No I don't want to be set up with that nice man you met in the elevator who bathes and has good benefits) and on behalf of all women, l'm standing up against the Bachelor and the whole premise of the series and saying "I don't and I never will."
As for Dr. Phil's wife, seriously, one show, just one time, don't show up and let him walk off stage by himself because you're better than that - we all are!
PS: Chris Harrison - get that hot tub cleaned - will ya?