Let’s be clear on this – I have no booty. I wear men’s “Low Waist Levi’s” and I don’t have a waist.
My pants therefore fall down. I wear belts but they are of little use – sort of like carrying a goldfish home from the pet store in a plastic bag – that’s not what the bag is for and that’s not where the fish is supposed to live and that has no relevance to anything I am saying.
Here are the Top 9 (couldn’t think of 10) Tips on how you can shake your booty like I shake mine and I strongly advise you do not follow any of these suggestions.
9 – Ditch those big leather purses with the studs and giant zippers and put on a knapsack. It fits conveniently on your back and you can carry it without carrying it. Also you can fit a lot in it because of its depth and you can even have a water bottle handy.
8 – Stop with the make-up, most especially the lip liner and the lip stick. It’s a mess. It ends up all over your coffee cup and other people’s faces when you kiss them. Your kids have to wipe it off like when those old relatives kiss them with all that spit and saliva and bad breath oozing from their orifices. Simply rub some Vaseline Cocoa Radiant Lotion into your pores and your skin will glisten with delight.
7 – The most important items in your wardrobe should not be dresses or skirts or panty hose (those are just awful especially the way the feel at the waist – it’s like those bean bags you wore in bean bag races – you wanted to drop them but you couldn’t until you reached the finish line (and that makes no sense whatsoever in the context of # 7 which we are now on). That’s right the most important items are graphic Ts, Hoodies (Are those great or what and they come with hoods?), Levis red tab button downs (you bet), Blundstones (thank you Australia for these incredibly comfortable and great looking boots and for Keith Urban and The Great Barrier Reef), and a wonderfully fitting cotton exercise bra (keeping things on one level).
6 – What’s with all the brown and black hair – get some pink or orange or something funky going while you still can. There are so many colours out there to try and think of it this way – you’ll be doing your lover a great favour because it will be like sleeping with a different woman every week. I’ve gone all over the rainbow – sporting a little reddish pinkish right now and I look fabulous.
5 – Your perfume is too strong - you are wearing way too much of it. Everyone wants to tell you this especially your co-workers but they don’t know how so I am putting it out there and helping them and helping you and helping anyone breathing in the same air. Once again, just lather up with Vaseline and be on your way.
4 – Stop wearing glasses unless you actually have a prescription to wear glasses and you therefore need to wear glasses. At some point someone decided to sport some really large glasses as a fashion statement and then their friends decided to do the same and now I am so confused because all of these people are walking around wearing glasses and I can’t tell who is supposed to be wearing them and who isn’t and I find that troublesome.
3 – How can you possibly walk around in those heels? Do you realize how bad they are for your back, your ankles, your knees, and your entire lower body? Put on some sneakers or some Aussie boots or even do that flip flop thing in the summer (although I am not thrilled about seeing other peoples toes) but do yourself a favour and throw off those heels. I see you wearing them in the winter in the snow. What on earth are you thinking? Is it really worth cracking your ankle or falling into one of the broken bursting Montreal underground pipes or potholes that we pay to have repaired with our taxes that are higher than any other province and where corruption is the norm in construction. I am completely off course now – do you see what your heels have done to me?
2- Stop wearing jewelry that weighs more than a garbage truck. I have seen you with earrings that are heavier than a set of Janitor keys and necklaces that hang lower than breasts that are not in an exercise bra. Take all of that gear off – you’re not going into battle – you’re just going to work or to drop your kid off at folk dancing. Get yourself a nice delicate chain and go to the nearest Tattoo parlour for a set of permanent titanium studs and while you are at get a few more holes pierced to go with your pink hair.
And the #1 Fabulous Tip That I Offer you free of charge on how you can shake your booty like I shake mine...
Remember when you were 3 yrs. old and your mother dressed you in all these different outfits and you really didn’t care what you were wearing because for the most part you just wanted to tear it off and run around naked? You didn’t care what you looked like because the only reason you ever looked in the mirror was to check what your twin was up to (which was really your reflection unless of course you had a twin). You probably weren’t even sure if you were a boy or a girl or if you liked boys or girls or both (not that there is anything wrong with that)and all you wanted to do was have fun and yell and scream and sing and laugh and dance and meet Kermit the Frog.
Well actually that has nothing to do with #1 – so here is #1:
1 – Go ahead and LET IT ALL HANG OUT because sooner or later it’s all going to hang and when it does you are going to want to shake your booty like I shake mine.
Thank You – KC & The Sunshine Band for the song– the Late Very Kind Larry Wexler for my first pair of Levis – Mark Zuckerberg for always wearing a Hoodie even though you can afford a suit – my mother for accepting me for who I am and sewing me a ballet outfit even though i tripped and fell during recital and lastly to Vaseline (for so many reasons).